Put a smile on my face. :)
Gallery girls and gallery boys.
Woke up at 4.30pm today. Slept at 11.30pm. Grabe. 17 hours.
I have to fix myself.
I barely have the energy. To work. Or think. Or even stand up. Grabe, something's wrong with me. Alam MO un... you know who you are. I feel scared, dear. Sobra. Natatawa ako na dito ko cnsabi.. kasi pwede ko nmn sabihin in person. Pero it's still a blessing in disguise. The threat of it palang. Super blessing na. I'm actually almost fearless. Ewan.
Secrecy makes it a fucking big deal. Pero WE know how it goes, dont we?
I love you.
Shet naiiyak ako.
Amost fearless. Iniicp ko nlng is six-months. Whatever that means.
Shet. I'm being cryptic again.
Stop writing. Please. Lalo ka tuloy gumugulo. Haha.
I have to fix myself.
Naiiyak na ko.
Ayoko magpa-fucking-awa! Pero. Help.
No one's coming. We're all we've got. Hindi c Enel ang magaayos nito.
This is for myself.
Sobrang wala pa ko sa tamang pag-iisip.
Shet shet shet shet.
Found this the other day.
En-el, what romance is there in jamming your tounge inside someone else's mouth?
what is intimacy?
do you kiss for the sake of kissing as you love for the sake of love?
why the need to prove your affection? why appreciate affection in form of kiss?
what if affection does not exist?
Nice day. Loves.
"Men are pigs, but women are evil." O_O
Enjoy it as it is.
Just as it is
The crowd, no longer sugar sweet, it's quite unruly, with hunger unquenched and grave as lust
Glance back, they'll devour you almost wholly, rapidly, savagely and debaucherously unjust
You're soul is scarred and and scared and silly; look away, my loves, you must
Forward you march to the road of agressive fury, to the steel gates of Someday coated gold with rust
1. Full lenght mirror. Must be flattering. Otherwise, keep out of room.
2. Lovely bed sheets and comfy blanket plus romanticly/surrealy dim night lamp
3. Lots of pictures and a vision board
4. A glass/bottle of water plus sky flakes for sudden hunger attacks in the middle of the night
5. A half empty bottle of gin (or a stick or two of cigarettes to others) for emergency mukmok mode.
My hands are weak
All nighter pala ah.
Went to sleep. Just woke up.
Louie told me to post this, so here we go:
1. Product Design Wrapper Shit
2. Ad Design Studies
3. Watch TV for Mortel
4. Art App HW
I hope and I pray na may maglinis na ng locker namin. Ugh. Not me, definitely. Ugh. And the door's jammed.
I haven't been extremely punctual the past few weeks. I've missed more or less four first classes already. DL ol' me, no?
It's just sooo hard to lift my body up from bed, see. Especially when I spent the night up because I can't sleep. I'm thinking on taking pills for it, but pills make it hard for me to be awake the whole next day too. And pills are expensive.
Speaking of expensive, 3rd year is overpriced. There's the camera, oil pastel materials, and well.. you kinda need a laptop too for ad design. Add that with the regular expenditures of paints, brushes, pens, sketchpads, yadayadayada.
Don't wait for happiness to arrive. Be happy ngayon pa lang.
(buhat ng insomnia, this is what we get)
Pagnaririnig ko lang 'to... kinikilibutan ako sobra. As in. Iba ung epekto nia sakin. Surreal Mode. Parang True Love shit.
Im being tagalog again. Spare me. Emotions e.
Mackyboy's last words:
Macky: "Hinayhinay lang sa alak."
Macci: "Yun ba huling payo mo sakin?"
Macky: "Hindi. Meron pa."
Macci: "Mm. Ano?"
Can't help it but get attached even if we've known then that you're leaving. Haha. Siyempre ready kami, diba?
Pero, we'll still miss you. We were more complete with you around.
Ako nalang mag-isang Macci sa batch.
To-do list: Tasks
You do stupid things for the ff reasons:
4. more importantly: stupidity lang talaga
Genurr.. thank you for:
1. The dvd moments for everyone and the extreme hospitality
2. Conti's better-than-sex perfection-in-a-box
3. Letting me wear all your lovely clothes I want
4. The fashion push (LOTS)
5. Letting me borrow your new unopened copy of Neverland by NG
6. Letting me borrow two copues of Nylon, one of which has Mary Kate on the cover.
I swear to God, I'm giving them back as soon as possible. I'll just photocopy the whole thing!
7. FOR THE LOVE. WAAAH. PLEASE COME BACK!
captured dress up moments.
(OF ALL THE TIMES NOT TO BRING DSLR, NOW PA! IT WAS THE RE-RISE OF FASHION!)
fashion shoot concept: JUST THROW EVERY FUCKING THING ON!
Let the photos speak for themselves. Indulge.
"Whatever. It's gonna be alright naman whatever happens e."
Sisiguraduhin ko na pag naging tayo, 3 days after may pic na tayo sa wall ko na nagkikiss.
Duhhh... Malamang nagkikiss na tayo by the time na tayo, diba.. Helllooo.. I'm Macci.
Pero kung hindi pa.. OMG! ANG COOL MO!
If I get 1k anytime soon, I'm budgeting it as follows:
600 php on picture frames and hooks
100 php on developing more pictures (Shet adik na ko!)
250 php on magazines
50 php on Pan Au Chocolat from French Baker! OMG! Self-date nanaman. Sucker!
You just so gotta love my wall..err.. walls.
Ang boring na ng blog ko. Puro ka nalang emo. Putanginang emo. (Sorry. Malupit na bad word un.) At dahil jan, ikkwento ko sainyo kung anu nangyyri sa buhay ko:
Wala talaga as of the moment.
-macci. Currently listening to: Earl's Blog's "Kapag Tumibok ang Puso"
Sharam sharam. \(^_^)/
OMFG. That is so fucking tagalog.
I'm so tired of pretending.
But I keep on doing it. Hanggang ngayon.
I want it too, pero I have to take care of myself, you know.
I can love you more than I love myself, but I wont do that.
If only I can tell.
Grabe. This is so degrading, I swear.
Don't make this any harder for me, sweets. Pretty please. Smile smile.
It's gonna be alright, it is.
We spend the day defining ourselves.
My fingers and knees feel so weak.
Haha, what did you see when you first saw me?
Fly me to the moon
and let me sing among the stars
let me know what spring is like
on jupiter and mars
Seriously, you should see my wall today. Lalo na later. It's 3.20 am and I cant sleep. Took a pill already. I dont think it'll work.
Im just really suffering from grave anxiety. Ack. Can't stop thinking. Prolly the reason why I can't sleep is because I'm so freaked out by the few minutes I spend thinking before I sleep. Thoughts overload. Lalo na ngayon. Bad bad bad thoughts.
Right now, I just want to focus on my art more than anything else. For reals!
Gawwd. I just changed my sheets and my room looks wonderful.
Since I cant sleep, I've been scrubbing walls. Haha. Nagkasugat nga ko e. Whine whine.
I really need to write something useful. Maybe on the next post.
I dont think I'm writing for anyone right now. I need someone.
For Julia's birthday, aside from the tumbler, I've given her the best gift ever ever!
A photoshoot, completely on me! The editing, styling and makeup, and ofcourse Photog! Woohoo!
Grabe. I feel super sad. As in ibang klaseng sadness to.
Before I went to school this morning (which, btw, I'm late for kasi sarap ng 12 hour sleep ko! Yeahh baby yeahh!!), I told myself I'd eat lunch and get icecream before going. Tas nakalimutan ko magice cream. (Favorite: Rocky road.)
Tas paguwi ko, sabi ko sa sarili ko na magchchange lng ako ng bedsheets tapos ang prize ko sa sarili ko Ice Cream.
Tas pagbaba ko wala na. Ubos na pala.
OMFG!!! THE SADNESS TALAGA!!!
Seriously, I super feel like crying. Sobra sobra sobra.
I'm still sad 30 mins later.
I love you self. Get rocky road nlng bukas.
P.S. Infairness, napatagalog ako sa sadness.
If my parents love me, they will fix my leaking ceiling and paint my room "Kitten White" this weekend. Sounds gay: "Kitten White". Haha.
Im soo sleepy.
I cant wait to paste pics on my wall. Sobra. I had them developed kanina, and I might do more developing soon if the output turns out to be amazing. In the meantime, I'm taking shower and sleeping. o_O.
Official first day bukas.
Everyone is so different. Seriously.
Especially people who aren't friends.
I keep on saying, saying, saying and saying it. I'm shocked when I discover how different I am from people. Maybe I'm weird. O_O. Ugh. Can't be that (even if I am weird).
I guess I dont have a very open perception of the public, then. Probably because I'm stuck with people pretty much like I am. Princesses. Typical artistically inclined princesses/princes who spend their lives growing up or pretending they've grown up already.
I wish I wrote an awesome story this summer instead of mooning my time away.
I need to by magic invisible tape.
I'm scheduled to wake up at 6am today, but since I never got to sleep, Ive got more or less 45 mins to kill.
Recap of the whole summer
Question and Answer Edition:
How did you spend your summer?
I spent my summer almost beachlessly. Yup. Only got to go once and I sooo didnt enjoy it because I was sulking all the time.
I spent my summer drunk.
I spent my summer in keeping myself busy, but not really accomplishing it, because the moment I get home, I sulk again and complain of how much of a mess my life is.
I spent my summer outside. I spent my summer bothering everyone to take me out anyywhere, everywhere.
I spent my summer getting a tan. Learning. Staying up intil dawn.
I spent my summer partying like hell and totally not earning or saving any money.
What happened this summer?
ARE YOU REALLY ASKING THAT TO YOURSELF?
OMG! Ang daming nangyari this summer. To you. To the people around you. To the people you are not consious of. Possibly this summer is the most twisting summer in a million kajillion years.
Patay kayo when we get to school. Things are so totally different already.
SUPER DAMING NANGYARI! SOBRA! If my life were a miniseries (which I do believe it is), this would most probably be the turning point of EVERYONE! EVERYfuckingONE! That's why it's next season already. Things are already too different to relate to the last season.
Friendships. Romance. Scandals (ehrm ehrm). Hellos. Goodbyes. Arguments. Amends. Secrets. Revelations.
The worst thing this summer?
All the weak moments. Sniff sniff. (Ugh. Ack. Weak moments.)
Open letter to Paolo Martin Olimpo.
(Since I know you'd be reading my blog, and it's the first day of school and I'm pretty daring right now.)
What I tell to you in private, I can tell to you infront of everyone else.
Thank you for being a part of my life. Seriously. I know you're just a chapter I had to go through, otherwise, I wont be able to love. Anyone. Besides myself.
I learned to love my sisters because of you. To love my parents and not just to please them as a daughter because of you. I learned to love my friends. I learned to be unselfish.
I learned so much from being with you than from being in HS (well, the fact that I ssooo didn't learn anything from HS helps.)
So, how did I spend my summer?
I spent my summer having all the fun I can have. And most importantly, I spent my summer getting over you. I spent my summer doing everything in my power to squeeze the pain away and scratch the bitterness from my skin. Wow. Poetic. Pero that's so how I feel.
I had to go throught it day by day, no shortcuts. No amount of guys can make epal and make it easier.
I'm happy for me. It all started when I became happy for you.
I'm sorry it didn't work out. You are too, I know. :) But I know it's all my fault even if you kept on saying at first that it was yours. You triggered it and gave me the right moment, but it was my decision in the first place.
It was the right love at the wrong time. As scared as I was to say those words, I've said it.
I'll see you around school holding her hands, and you'll see me with my friends being as ingay as always.
I'm sorry I said you didn't care for the memories as much as I did. I know I always hurt you when I say stuff like that. I'm sorry I told you, but I still believe it. But I guess, memories fade. Let's all deal with that. We can't really refer to old conversations for references, because it's all just surreal and inaccurate. Whatever. It's just the past is not NOW.
Despite that, I'm happy for you. You're right, btw. I'm not the girl you fell in love with anymore (whatever that means). And she's pretty much just like I was when you fell in love with me back then. Haha. Same story, just without the complications I had to put you through. Ack. What am I saying... Pshh... What do I know.
I'm happy for you. Pero hindi ako martyr dahil hindi kita mapapatawad for one thing. Ask me in person. It's not for falling in love with someone else. It's not for not going back. Ask me in person and hope to God na I'm calm then and hindi kita sasampalin.
Other than that, what am I supposed to tell you pa ba..
Dear, get your stuff. Ayoko na talaga nagmumura, pero PUTANGINA BUONG BAKASYON NA YAN AH! Pinapahirapan mo ba ko! TANGINA YAN LANG E! Ang dali dali gawin nun e!
And hooray for me. I've already moved on. Ages-ish ago.
Btw, do you know that we've never been friends before? You were a good boyfriend, though. Almost perfect. I was just a really really good girlfriend, too. \(^_^)/
You're absolutely wonderful, fantastic, and totally out-of-this world ex-girlfriend,
P.S. Bawal magcomment unless ikaw c Pao! Ang magcomment dito putangina mo sasaksakin kita ng lapis pag nakita kita!
hi dear blog.
like umm .. 3 hours from now.
:D :D smile, smile smile.
You should so see my desk right now. I mean, well, the wall in front of it. It's covered in pictures of my life.
I love pictures.
My hair's too long already. Insomnia sucks.
Happy birthday Jas. Even if you didnt really EXACTLY appreciate the surprise, well it's still your birthday. So, happy birthday!
Julia, happy birthday! Unang plate for the season ko ung tumbler mo!
Woohoo! You love it, I know.
2. invisible magic tape (wow!)
4. tweezers (louise bibilhan kita soon promise!!)
5. jumpstart atm card haha
6. essential nivea lipbalm
9. aviators and scarves and buddha beads
10. sleeping pills
12. gray chucks and black havianas
13. tank tops
14. .3 sakura
15. journals, blogs, diaries
Hahahahahaha! Thanks to DSLR's continous shots. And to Dino, Miguel, and Louise. Mwah. And Nica for taking the pics.
Possibly one of the greatest delights I have, aside from confirming my coolness, is realizing that I am surrounded by positive people.
I just want to comment on how much of gentlemen our boys are. Grabe. We're soo lucky. Our doors are always open, we never get to carry multiple heavy bags, yadayadayadayada. And in return we loovee them so much. :) And we show it. :)
We love you, boys. :)
waaah. the predictions came a little bit too true. ack.
frankly speaking... sorry for the misbehavior. O_O
but more importantly, thanks for the love. lots of it.
super thanks to migz senires for being super caring and being a great cook... so sweet, dear. to nica for the mega over motherly care! pero serioso, i loovee you. and louie too, the salts saved my life. teta, ang landi mo. teresa, go crush on a guy this time, will you, sweetie?
thanks to the boys for getting along. SOOO FEELING NIYO CLOSE NA KAYONG LAHAT!? thanks for everyone who took care of me and made me happy. grabe.
miguel: "unfortunately, you're not fucking right now." LOL LOL LOL
anonymous: "yes. yes. no. yes."
haha. manny the laugh.
amp! kanin ng lagim.
palpak ung pics btw. wasnt able to capture the "moments". amp. dslr kasi e, laging tago.
bukas magooutting kami.
uncensored-ly speaking.. what the fuck! im getting myself drunk until i vommit half my body weight and can no longer grasp any memory of the fucking night.
im wearing my bikini all day. just the way i always wanted.
and im wearing a dress, huge huge shades, and a huge huge bag.
im wearing my lovely lovely gray chucks and my mom's mango scarf! (its new! yahoo!!)
im going to dance to the ipod music.
IM GOING TO TAKE LOTS OF PHOTOS!!
im playing poker!
im screaming! i'm laughing! im joking, im teasing the day away!
if i dont get a guy, i dont get a guy. if i get a guy, i get a guy... who cares. ack. kablock ko lng nmn mga un and some. parang brothers lang. ugh.
im going to smell like chlorine. and smoke. and alcohol. and girly sweat. and guy
im turning off my phone! fuck you, darling! mwah!
im bonding with my girls.
im bonding with my guys.
i wont wear eyemakeup.
im not sleeping tonight. im not sleeping tomorrow night.
if this doesnt work.. who cares. the night is ours dearests!
i dont want to care!! about anything! but the night! ill take what you give me, ill have what i can have!
its poetry in my mind.
p.s. pag ako nakatulog pakshet.
The grass is always greener on the otherside, love.
Lagi naman e.
You'd always crave for the things you dont have, more so the things you CAN'T have. Basta. That's like the ultimate rule of the universe, no? But there isn't really anything we can do about it. It's human fucking nature.
Right now, naguguluhan na ko.
Well, to be honest, I'm pretty sure more we are all confused everyday. Some people just dont think about it. HOW DO YOU FUCKING DOO THAAATT?? I mean, not thinking. Relaxing. How? How? HOOOOWW??
I will never ever ever ever let this happen to me again. Total limbo. This is the furthest thing from busy I've been in my life. I am so idle. Sobra. I can't wait for school. I need a hobby. I need work! Fuck fuck fuck!
Sa totoo lang, I dont care who I hurt right now, pero nakakabad3p mga hindi makasama. I mean, yung mga gusto talaga makasama pero soo very much can't.. fine, I understand.
... Pero ung mga fucking tinatamad lang. Bad trip kayo. Isipin niyo nga ung mga tao na nageffort para dito.
I wish I could tell you what I'd be doing today. But it will soo bore you to tears.
WHY AM I BLOGGING!? WHY WHY WHY?
Everything I write is so censored. Sobra. I cant be frank, I cant be anything.
That's why I write the same old thoughts over and over.
Oh yeah, this is why I took the leave. Because I can't write properly anyways.
Helloo.. dear readers, may nababasa pa ba kayong interesante dito!??
Im not even vaguely funny anymore.
Hello dear readers of the previous entry.
I'm going out tonight. Yippee! And I'm blogging again! Yippee!
Another angel has once again flown by to sweep me off this single-slash-semisingle recreation limbo.
See you later sweethearts, mwah mwah.
Macci, babe sweetheart darling, you're just a normal girl with a normal life. It's semi-fantastic, alright alright... but well, YOU'RE AT HOME!!!
THAT'S AN INDICATION OF SOMETHING, RIGHT!?
And you do not have a date today.
I mean, there are guys out there. YOU KNOW THAT. And you're a pretty girl, thankyouverymuch, but it just doesnt work that waaayyyy.
I mean, you're not even that charming to begin with. Your friends say so because you make them.
School's coming in.. hmmm 8 days? No back to school parties? No nothing? Oh aside from the trip, yeah.
Well, kasi naman. You're so mainipin. Just think of all the things you got to accomplish this summer? I mean, lookiieee... that's more than what lots of people get to accomplish in a year. Well, uhhh.. social-wise. It's still kulang, though. I mean, you're not exactly 'on a roll', are you?
Yadayadayada. In Louie's terms: blah blah blah... Ipagsamasama mo nlng lahat ng guys mo this summer (not that they're a lot and too concrete) and that would soo pretty much categorize you as 'semi-single' and not totally. Hooray!
This is totally distressing.
It's 2:15 PM and if no one invites me out today, then that would make this the second day in a row I'm at home. :( Ack. I hate that.
Maybe if I'm desperate, I'll commute to Gateway and get my sister/s her/their gifts. Or maybe I'll go to SM Centerpoint Central of all Orciness in the universe and buy myself a croissant. I mean, if I'm sulking , might as well as do it somewhere other than my room, no?
I think Im sulking in Greenhills today. Alone.
With a book. Or notebook. Or sketchpad. Whatever. In theatermall, Delifrance (croissant!) or Starbucks. (Starbucks is soo last year. Last last last year. Ugh. It's overcrowded, too.)
Wait for a guy to strike a conversation with me or something (which is sooo not gonna happen).
Ive been fiddling with the DSLR and I finally figured what aperture is. Took me quite a while to figure that one out. Here's a pretty example:
The happy pill is a cynic
An irony in form of man
All grin and snigger
The sad sad critter
In life, nothing's greater than
Love and life and laughter
Take all matters in a stride
Underneath he wails and cry
Do cast quick death upon I
Behind the smile he boils inside
When you say too much about anything important, it always ends up sounding more trivial than it is. Words trash it.