Friday, January 16, 2009

The Romantic Death of Poor Little Rich Girl


  filled the tub with gushing lukewarmth
  stripped off designer everything
  shuffled out of her expensive panties

The tiles were cool under her toes

  dowsed feet first
  rested her body, long and skinny,
   on the hard screechy metal surface
  gracefully plunged her head against
   the softness of the water
tangled brown hair afloat
make-up turned into blots of darkness under her eyes

Prozac don't work
Neither do prayers
  the cold blade resting on her wrist will

As if slicing her skin open
Blood steadily oozing out
  as if abstract smoke

No one knocks on her bathroom door

...negative only! :D
1. Effing emo. Ugh. Plus.. too girly. Not chic-lit though. Thanks to the emo-factor. \m/
2. Unable to communicate how the character is a "poor little rich girl"
3. Uncommon line cutting. Usually common is either good or bad... no gray areas. You are only permitted to be uncommon if you know what you're doing... which, I don't.
4. Still lacks aesthetic.
5. So effing raw that if pag sinabak mo to sa workshop you will cry blood. blood steadily oozing out pala ah!!!
6. Bitin. As always.
7. Where the fuck is your rhythm, bitch? And have you heard of wordplay???)

((comments on the comments:
1. Biased
2. YOU SHOULD'VE LET THEM DECIDE ON WHATS WRONG WITH THE POEM, NOT DIRECT THEM. And in terms of branding yourself, you just ruined it. Ugh.))


Anonymous said...

Naka naman ha you're getting better ha each poem i read.

1.) Weird out lang ako sa pag-cut sa "She" and lines that follow. Tama ba?
2.) SO naglaslas na siya, tas nalunod pa? Landeh. Hehe. Alam mo na feel ko 'yong line na "tangled brown hair afloat"
3) What is abstract smoke? Hindi ba parang malabo, tama ba?
4.) Gusto ko sanang maawa. Kasi aaww death. Tsaka pa'no naging "little" 'yung girl? Sayang Wala akong alam sa girl except nag-lose hope na siya ("Neither do prayers"), maganda kung nakilala ko siya. Sana rin ma establish kung bakit siya nagpakamatay?
5.) Adjectives! :-D
6.) Okay 'yung ano line na "The tiles were cool under her toes", gawin mo siyang first line. Yeaaaah!!!

You're emo haaah, like your shirt kanina heh. Pa-workshop mo 'to, pagka hindi na siya "super draft", ayus eh.

macci said...

pinagiicpan ko pa e. i'm anti-girly e. wahahahaha!

yey thanks for the critique. \:D/

hahah kaya nga ko napa-emo shirt e. btw, namatay lng cia dahil sa slash pero fuck ang hirap icommunicate nun e.

next time ko na ipagatatangol tong tula. aaucn ko pa. and magiicp pa ko ng ipapaworkshop. maciadong spur of the moment yan e.

yehey! :*